More progress on the MS3 article.

It's coming along, but I don't know if I'll find the proper flow. Or
that I'll ever go back and edit it enough to make it a decent essay. But
I do want to get it out there.

org/monolith.org

@@ -60,7 +60,7 @@ Self-hosting, I have since learned, is when you run useful programs from your ow
 
 To begin, I needed an always-on computer to run these useful programs. I began with a humble Raspberry Pi.
 
-#+CAPTION: My humble Raspberry Pi and it's hard drive. This dude currently tirelessly runs [[https://github.com/AdguardTeam/AdGuardHome][the excellent Adguard Home]] and downloads a backup of my data every night.
+#+CAPTION: My humble Raspberry Pi and its hard drive. This dude currently tirelessly runs [[https://github.com/AdguardTeam/AdGuardHome][the excellent Adguard Home]] and downloads a backup of my data every night.
 #+NAME: fig__rpi
 [[./images/rpi.webp]]
 
@@ -311,6 +311,11 @@ Happy coffee-ing! :coffee:
 
 
 ** TODO The third year of medical school is magical. :medschool:training:
+:PROPERTIES:
+:EXPORT_HUGO_BUNDLE: ms3-year-is-magical
+:EXPORT_FILE_NAME: index
+:EXPORT_DATE: 2025-03-08
+:END:
 
 *** It's over.
 
@@ -324,12 +329,14 @@ I loved the third year of med school, but I do not want to do it again.
 
 The third year of med school is a /shift/. After years of memorizing and examinations, the doors to the promised land are finally opened. I have experienced nothing like it before It feels intentionally unsettling. You are thrown into the clinic with a modicum of guidance so you aren't totally caught off guard, but you are thrown out to the wolves. I don't mean this as a criticism of the system, it feels necessary. Third year medical students—commonly shorted to MS3s—have just one year to experience a broad swath of medicine and pick a specialty. So you had better be ready to dive in.
 
+**** Total immersion
+
 I came to terms with my new reality quickly. Gone were the days of hitting the snooze button and going home when I pleased. I am now beholden to other people's schedules. This came back relatively naturally.
 #+header: :trim-pre t :trim-post t
 #+begin_sidenote
 Maybe not hitting snooze. A regrettable personal failing of mine.
 #+end_sidenote
-I was, however, immediately faced with a new reality in the patient room. Patients come to the doctor for a number of reasons, but often seek relief. To get to the core of what ails them, they will tell you /everything/. I was not prepared for how vulnerable patients would be with me.
+I was, however, immediately faced with a new reality in the patient room. Patients come to the doctor for a number of reasons, but often seek relief. To get to the core of what ails them, they will tell you /everything/. I was not prepared for how vulnerable patients would be with me. I am not sure if this ever will feel natural. I hope it never does. I was told many stories of experiences living with scary diagnoses, and not knowing what to do with it. Family histories of all sorts. Personal details that were sometimes (oftentimes?) off the wall. I see all of these specifics as flailing, grasping at sand hoping that something could explain their pain. Sometimes it could. Usually it did not. But since I was in a white coat, I was privileged to hear it.
 
 I think my years spent in the lab have prepared me to face some of the challenges set before me. At the very least, having a few more years under my belt helped me approach the year with a bit of maturity. This seems to have paid off.
 #+header: :trim-pre t :trim-post t
@@ -337,20 +344,15 @@ I think my years spent in the lab have prepared me to face some of the challenge
 I guess my recommendation is to simply get old before going to med school.
 #+end_sidenote
 
+**** Becoming invisible
 
+I quickly learned I needed to change my understanding of my contribution to the team. Exiting grad school, people understood that they could come to me for help. I was a resource, a seasoned veteran of the lab. If someone needed an experiment done, I could do it, and be /trusted to do it/. In med school as a third year, I was nothing. A fly on the wall; a worm beneath the feet of the real doctors. In science, I felt like I was treated as a peer with even my committee members with multiple R01s. Even if I didn't understand the science perfectly, I could contribute some different perspective. In medicine, sometimes not being recognized at all by my attendings was the best outcome. Which happened regularly. My role, was not as a contributor—as it was in science—it was simply to /get in the reps/. Once I understood that the expectations of me were below the ground, I understood that everything I did in third year was for myself.
+#+header: :trim-pre t :trim-post t
+#+begin_sidenote
+This is taken at face value by the team at times. I would spend 30 minutes working on a presentation, pre-rounding, the works, and at the end of my part, the intern would nod, then turn to the senior resident and say "I was thinking that we..." without thinking of my work.
+#+end_sidenote
 
-Patient vulnerability
-
-Pace of changes in medicine vs lab: days/years
-Feeling like an important member of the team then becoming "useless"
-Discovery of the superpower of the medical student.
-
-There is a strange dichotomy of "Oh, it doesn't really matter" and "If you don't get this class/score/grade then you won't be able to be this kind of doctor, so you had better get your act together."
-
-At the beginning, unable to interview patients. I wish I had written something at the beginning as a journal.
-By the end, feeling unphased by a double length OSCE.
-
-
+This is perhaps a bit of cognitive restructuring, but recognizing this is what gave me the freedom to embed myself in the hospital flow, without a /single/ worry about the outcome. Simply doing my best was the best thing I could do. Obviously. But this was not apparent to me at first. I needed more quality repetitions to develop good habits in the future. And also experience as much of medicine as possible to find what I want to do with my life.
 
 *** A year of wonder.
 
@@ -362,12 +364,21 @@ Rare presentations
 
 Fun every day, then... relying on Mary more than ever
 I found myself resentful of my future schedule. When I was supposed to learn about the 6d*13hr schedule? And what of having a family?
-Seeing patients outside of the clinic
+Other people's expectations vs my own
+Not really enjoying the interpersonal connection, feeling fake and hoping people don't talk about personal stuff
+Seeing patients outside of the clinic and not knowing what to do
 
 *** A year of glad.
 
+At the beginning, unable to interview patients. I wish I had written something at the beginning as a journal.
+By the end, feeling unphased by a double length OSCE.
+
 It is impossible for me to say that I'm not happier as a medical student than in grad school.
 I know it from within myself, and from Mary.
 Then I hear residents say things like: "Worst day of residency is better than the best day of med school"
 How can this be?
 Gratitudepilled
+
+*** Unused material :noexport:
+
+The hospital is how I spent the majority of my time, but a new reality for me was also going back to daily studying. There is a strange dichotomy of "Oh, it doesn't really matter" and "If you don't get this class/score/grade then you won't be able to be this kind of doctor, so you had better get your act together." Simultaneously there are no expectations and immense responsibility for the looming specter of Step 2. I'm glad that studying regularly came back easily enough. I did UWorld and Anki nearly every day for a full year.